I have a mother who keeps breaking my heart. She never even acknowledges any wrong doing. If I get all the things I want to say to her out of my system maybe I will be able to forgive her once again. She has never asked for forgiveness. She never says I'm sorry. She never says she loves me or that she is proud of what I have become. She loves her son and daughter who have to depend on her for everything because they have made choices favoring alcohol and cigarettes over rent and electricity.
My first series of blogs will be true events in my life. Choices she made. Things I need to forgive her for if I want God to forgive me.
When I was 12 I helped my mother escape my fathers abuse by lowering her garbage bags of clothes out the bedroom window in the middle of the night. Then I stood in the doorway with him while he fired shots in the air with a pistol, as she ran down the road. He wasn't shooting at her, he was warning her not to come back. Later as I was sleeping on the couch my father interrupted my older cousin Billy as he was trying to convince me to have sex with him. My father held me by the hand and led me into his bedroom saying "I'm gonna keep you straight as long as I can". He held that same pistol in his other hand and carefully placed it on the pillow by my head. What he did to me in bed that night was anything but keeping me straight.
I know my mother did not intend for it to happen. I think she blocked it out just the way I did. I don't blame her for it, I just wish that she would have acknowledge it. I put it out of my mind and went on with life as though nothing had happened. I never remember thinking about it again. It was not a big deal to me, my dad was not the first family member to want to have sex with me. My granddad tried, and most of my cousins on my dads side. Even my moms younger brother, Glen. He played nasty with me as long as I could remember. Until he moved away and joined the service after high school. I just thought I was desirable and they all wanted to be my lover. Momma never told me it was wrong. I never mentioned it until he tried again when I was just starting to date. When he tried this time she made him move out and we all moved to Pennsylvania. She let daddy move back in with us even after he admitted what he had done to me. At least he acknowledge that it was wrong. Unlike my mom, who forced me to confront him with what he had done to me. During one of their fights they were sitting on the sofa at the bottom of the stairs in our house in PA. I was almost 16. I was the oldest of five and we were all upstairs in our room and they were downstairs were yelling at each other. It was nothing new, we only got excited when he started hitting her. During their argument she yelled for me to come down stairs and join them. "Tell your daddy what he did to you" she said.
"He knows what he did to me" I said, now halfway down the stairs.
"What the f... you want me to do? Apologize? he said" to her, not to me.
I turned and went back upstairs. She let him move back in and I moved out.
That was it no more discussion, until years later when I was married with two children.
My parents were divorced and I was about 21. My father showed up drunk for Thanksgiving dinner at my house. He and my cousin Billy(the same one from earlier) were in the driveway. My dad told me to go fix him a turkey sandwich and I told him no and went back in the house. Later that week my mom lied to me about how and where my three year old daughter got bitten by a dog while in her care. When I found out she was lying to avoid a lecture from me we got into an argument. I was mad at her because she had taken my little girl to the home of some unfavorable characters in a really rough neighborhood after I had forbidden her to. During her visit, while she was inside with her skanky male friend, Marsha, my three year old, wondered over to a chained up dog in the yard, and he bit her (it was bad enough that the skin was broken). I discovered it, she did not show it to me. When I found out from someone else who witnessed it a few days later we had an argument. In her mind admitting she should not have taken Marsha there was harder than telling the truth and letting me make sure the dog had his shots. Instead she opted to fabricate an unbelievable story about some stray dogs in the park. She knew she should not have taken her grand daughter to that house and left her unattended while she did whatever with that skanky man. Anyhow, during our argument, (the whole point in this story) she said I was cold-hearted and held a grudge too long. She was talking about me not making my dad a turkey sandwich. I argued that he got treated better than he deserved. Then, even after he had admitted sexual misconduct with his 12 year old daughter, she accused me of lying about what he had done. I didn't speak to her for quite awhile. I believe that this incident was the exact point when I started realizing that my beloved mother was not such a good person.
That was 26 years ago and just the beginning of many more such incidents. Not one does she acknowledge as unacceptable. She doesn't even admit that she was not such a good mother. I can forgive her and I have many times. I just wish once, she would say "I'm sorry" or "can you forgive me" or "I was wrong for doing...".
When I confront her, which I totally avoid whenever possible, she always denies doing such horrible things. She says she can't believe I would say such things to her. She calls me mean and cold. She made me mean and cold. I had to become estranged to her or I would have been crushed thinking she could treat her children the way she does. My brother who is eight years younger advised me well a few years ago. He said I expect too much from others. He told me to stop expecting her to do the right thing. Then it will not hurt me so much when she does the things she does. He was right, I try to stop expecting her to act morally, but it is sooo hard to not feel betrayed when your mom constantly exhibits such immoral and immature behavior.
This is just one incident. Just the beginning. I moved away from her, but she only got worse. More examples will follow. Thanks for listening. I feel better now.
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Blessings
I have been following comments on an article on how it is illegal to feed the homeless. Through my reading I have become aware of how blessed we are. I know that I take for granted all the wonderful things God has provided for me over the years.
How many times have you thanked God for a car that works and enables you to go where ever and when ever you want? Or do you just complain about a scratch, dent or empty gas tank? Instead of whining because you have to get out in the heat and pump gas, why not be thankful we dont have to walk or ask for a ride or find money to ride the bus.
How many times have you been thankful for food? Not to mention a refrigerator, a house and electricity. This morning I was making myself an omelet. I poured the eggs into the shallow cast iron skillet (that I paid $25 for from QVC just because it says Paula Deen on the bottom) and I spilled some of the egg mixture on my ceramic stove top. While I was wiping up the mess with a Bounty paper towel from my paper towel holder I allowed my eggs to overcook. It was not pretty anymore and the cheese had cause the egg color to be brown instead of the pretty yellow omelet color we all love. I was about to dump the ugly clump into my pretty red wooden trash can that matches my breadbox when I realized what I was doing. I was about to remake my omelet and waste three eggs, shredded cheese, oil, butter, diced peppers and onions and other ingredients just because it was not as pretty as I wanted it to be. Are you kidding me? Am I kidding myself? (I ended up eating my omelet as it was)
So many of us never stop and look at what we have to be thankful for. We just take it all for granted like it is our right. Most of us don't realize the difference between rights and privileges until something is taken away. In my case it has been a real wake up call not being able to get the surgery I need to be able to walk and stand without pain. This wake up call comes to us all sometime, somewhere we just dont know when or how it is going to be delivered. Some get the call early in life and some after it is too late to change, but I believe we all get it some place in our time here on earth. Many of us get it a few times before we recognize it for what it is. It may even be the reason we are here, "the meaning of life" so to speak.
I believe we are all players in a large game. We move through the game learning...or not learning. Some of the players advance to better positions because they are quick learners while some are started out in a good position. Why we play the part we play and who is calling the shots are just a few of the questions we ask ourselves. Perhaps one day after we move on to the next place or thing or step we will gain answers to some of the questions we all are curious about. Perhaps not, for now we just have to play a good game, keep our spirits up and hope to make a difference in the life's of the other players. Maybe someone will pat you on the back one day and say well done, good and faithful servant.
How many times have you thanked God for a car that works and enables you to go where ever and when ever you want? Or do you just complain about a scratch, dent or empty gas tank? Instead of whining because you have to get out in the heat and pump gas, why not be thankful we dont have to walk or ask for a ride or find money to ride the bus.
How many times have you been thankful for food? Not to mention a refrigerator, a house and electricity. This morning I was making myself an omelet. I poured the eggs into the shallow cast iron skillet (that I paid $25 for from QVC just because it says Paula Deen on the bottom) and I spilled some of the egg mixture on my ceramic stove top. While I was wiping up the mess with a Bounty paper towel from my paper towel holder I allowed my eggs to overcook. It was not pretty anymore and the cheese had cause the egg color to be brown instead of the pretty yellow omelet color we all love. I was about to dump the ugly clump into my pretty red wooden trash can that matches my breadbox when I realized what I was doing. I was about to remake my omelet and waste three eggs, shredded cheese, oil, butter, diced peppers and onions and other ingredients just because it was not as pretty as I wanted it to be. Are you kidding me? Am I kidding myself? (I ended up eating my omelet as it was)
So many of us never stop and look at what we have to be thankful for. We just take it all for granted like it is our right. Most of us don't realize the difference between rights and privileges until something is taken away. In my case it has been a real wake up call not being able to get the surgery I need to be able to walk and stand without pain. This wake up call comes to us all sometime, somewhere we just dont know when or how it is going to be delivered. Some get the call early in life and some after it is too late to change, but I believe we all get it some place in our time here on earth. Many of us get it a few times before we recognize it for what it is. It may even be the reason we are here, "the meaning of life" so to speak.
I believe we are all players in a large game. We move through the game learning...or not learning. Some of the players advance to better positions because they are quick learners while some are started out in a good position. Why we play the part we play and who is calling the shots are just a few of the questions we ask ourselves. Perhaps one day after we move on to the next place or thing or step we will gain answers to some of the questions we all are curious about. Perhaps not, for now we just have to play a good game, keep our spirits up and hope to make a difference in the life's of the other players. Maybe someone will pat you on the back one day and say well done, good and faithful servant.
Importance of a strong healthy body
Sorry I have gotten so behind. I got a virus in my laptop and to make a long story short, I forgot where I had been blogging.
Anyhow, much growing has taken place within my self. Others may not notice it yet, but I have changed.
I have learned that your health is the most important thing you own. I have been limping around with pain in my thigh for more than 5 years now. After Roger died I bought a new car with the social security checks and joined Curves. Within a month the pain in my left side was so bad I had to stop going to workout at CURVES. At first I thought the work out was really working. Especially around my hips and waist. But after a few weeks of it getting worse and never easing up I decided to go to the clinic. It took awhile to get an appointment and turn in all the paperwork they require in order to process your application, but finally after about 3 months I was approved and had an appointment to see a doctor. Of course the appointment was a month away. After all the trouble I was sent for xrays and given the diagnosis of osteoarthritis and given pain pills. I went to several more appointments at different clinics and visited the ER of a few different hospitals only to hear the same old thing over and over again. A few months ago I got the clinic to let me see an orthopedic doctor who advised me to get a cane and a hip replacement.
Great! Not what I wanted to hear. So I went from sore muscle to wore out bones and joints. It only costs 39,000 dollars for the surgery so in my opinion I was back to square one. That kind of surgery is not something I could ever even hope to take part in. After a few months of walking around with a cane, dreaming of a job that did not require me to stand or walk and letting myself get more and more down, I got an idea. Maybe there was some organization or fund to help people in my position. I have worked since I was 14. I have a good education, a good car, a home with a mortgage. I have learned in my 47 years that there is always someone else who has stood exactly where you are, no matter where you find yourself at. So I decided to ask around. Finally after I was at the end of my rope I received a call of encouragement. Terrie at the clinic called and said she had worked out the surgery and physical therapy and was just waiting to hear from a doctor that may be willing to let me make payments for his services.
That was two days ago. After five years and 4 months it seems things may begin to get better. I have never felt so helpless and hopeless before in my life. Dont get me wrong, I am far from a bubbly and chipper person (I am very laid back and reserved), but I have always been able to figure a way out of my low points in life. I ...
[sorry I need to watch that word "I". I also know that I am not in charge of my life, there is a higher power. Prayer has kept me and my family fed and sheltered for many years. Although that is a whole nuther story for another time I just wanted to give credit where credit is due].
Back to where I was before.
No matter what problems and obstacles have come my way in the past, the solution has always been clear and achievable before. But my health, well I have never had this issue come up before. I have always been physically able to do what I pleased. Sure I tote a few extra pounds, but everything has always worked the way I wanted it to until 5 years ago. Ive heard 40 was over the hill and now I believe I understand. All the abuse and neglect I have put my body through is becoming evident now as I realize my limits and experience the life of a person who has physical limits. It took me long enough to see a light at the end of this tunnel. Surgery and recovery will be tough I know, but afterwards when I am well things will be different.
Anyhow, much growing has taken place within my self. Others may not notice it yet, but I have changed.
I have learned that your health is the most important thing you own. I have been limping around with pain in my thigh for more than 5 years now. After Roger died I bought a new car with the social security checks and joined Curves. Within a month the pain in my left side was so bad I had to stop going to workout at CURVES. At first I thought the work out was really working. Especially around my hips and waist. But after a few weeks of it getting worse and never easing up I decided to go to the clinic. It took awhile to get an appointment and turn in all the paperwork they require in order to process your application, but finally after about 3 months I was approved and had an appointment to see a doctor. Of course the appointment was a month away. After all the trouble I was sent for xrays and given the diagnosis of osteoarthritis and given pain pills. I went to several more appointments at different clinics and visited the ER of a few different hospitals only to hear the same old thing over and over again. A few months ago I got the clinic to let me see an orthopedic doctor who advised me to get a cane and a hip replacement.
Great! Not what I wanted to hear. So I went from sore muscle to wore out bones and joints. It only costs 39,000 dollars for the surgery so in my opinion I was back to square one. That kind of surgery is not something I could ever even hope to take part in. After a few months of walking around with a cane, dreaming of a job that did not require me to stand or walk and letting myself get more and more down, I got an idea. Maybe there was some organization or fund to help people in my position. I have worked since I was 14. I have a good education, a good car, a home with a mortgage. I have learned in my 47 years that there is always someone else who has stood exactly where you are, no matter where you find yourself at. So I decided to ask around. Finally after I was at the end of my rope I received a call of encouragement. Terrie at the clinic called and said she had worked out the surgery and physical therapy and was just waiting to hear from a doctor that may be willing to let me make payments for his services.
That was two days ago. After five years and 4 months it seems things may begin to get better. I have never felt so helpless and hopeless before in my life. Dont get me wrong, I am far from a bubbly and chipper person (I am very laid back and reserved), but I have always been able to figure a way out of my low points in life. I ...
[sorry I need to watch that word "I". I also know that I am not in charge of my life, there is a higher power. Prayer has kept me and my family fed and sheltered for many years. Although that is a whole nuther story for another time I just wanted to give credit where credit is due].
Back to where I was before.
No matter what problems and obstacles have come my way in the past, the solution has always been clear and achievable before. But my health, well I have never had this issue come up before. I have always been physically able to do what I pleased. Sure I tote a few extra pounds, but everything has always worked the way I wanted it to until 5 years ago. Ive heard 40 was over the hill and now I believe I understand. All the abuse and neglect I have put my body through is becoming evident now as I realize my limits and experience the life of a person who has physical limits. It took me long enough to see a light at the end of this tunnel. Surgery and recovery will be tough I know, but afterwards when I am well things will be different.
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